My first experience with "marriage" was as a bridesmaid. My aunt Annelies, my mother's sister, got married to Hans. We write June 20th 1980. I was four years old. What particularly helps me with that wedding is the dress with lace and edges that I got (very modern for that time) but above all, I was totally excited with what I never got from my parents. The desire, sorting out with my aunt. How beautiful I felt. How I longed and looked forward to the day when I was allowed to do it: walking all day in public on my lacquer shoes. It was a dream.
Still, when I think about it while I try to put into words what it did to me, I feel the excitement of the lacquer shoes on my feet! I remember that we had sorted them out. Together with my aunt looking for my big dream. How Annelies lifted me from the store in the car so they did not get dirty yet. I wanted to keep them to show them at home and Annelies obviously understood that it was so important to me. The excitement to be carried in my parents' house with those shoes on my feet. After that the big wait for the day that I was allowed to wear them and that everyone would see me with my lacquer shoes!
I slept badly the nights before the wedding. Yes, it was exciting to walk into a long church and throw flowers while so many people would look at me and my brother. Yes, I was allowed to wear a princess dress. Yes, I should watch my ADHD brother and walk hand in hand to my parents who would sit at the end of the church aisle, sprinkling flowers. We were not allowed to walk too fast. All true, but the real excitement was really about the lacquer shoes that would stick to my feet.
From the sprinkling of flowers I only remember that my brother had empty his entire basket before he entered the church. Flattened at once. Ready. Nice and efficient, that again. I remember my aunt in a great white dress. I remember a toy kitchen that I received as a thank-you note and that I really liked being with my grandfather and grandmother (the parents of my father) when the party started.
But above all, I remember those shoes. It is crazy but true. I suspect I looked down all day.
On my big day, September 18th, I will not wear lacquer leather shoes. I also do not intend to look down all day. There will be a lot going through my mind the night before. I will sleep badly with excitement, just like then. This time, however, the thoughts the night before will not be about the desire for the shoes that I can wear. At most, the fear of falling with my heels and hoping not to get blisters. The nieces of McD are bridesmaids that day. They talk a lot about the dresses they can wear and what shoes will be part of that. I project my own sense of happiness from the past, so I hope that it will be lacquer shoes for the girls. From niece I became aunt (married but still) and from bridesmaid I become the bride!
Sabinimini
Sabinimini blogs as a bride for wedding planner het Bruidsmeisje.
